Beach Goers
Abstract: The beach goer. One who goes to the beach. Such people, the beach goers, are indisputably a lounge motivated group. Collectively they are driven by their desire to look at the sun from a more or less horizontal position, an aversion to socks, and the proposition that every person looks a little better a little tanner. These generalities aside, beach goers, like all discoveries, can and should be identified in accordance with their scientifically assigned genus. Understanding these specific categories of beach goers will ensure not only that you and your associates will know how best to interact with such beach goers then next time you encounter them in the wild, but perhaps this list will also inspire some self reflection. Indeed, what kind of beach goer are you?
Methodology: Importantly, these categories have been developed by years of first hand observation. Only the most highly sought after polarized sunglass lenses were used by our resident scientists, typically with a cocktail in hand. Thus, you can rest assured that the following conclusions were made under the most rigorous of laboratory conditions. Though not an exhaustive list, this paper presents a demonstrative sampling amateur observers are expected to encounter while on the beach. A burgeoning science, beach goer categorization is constantly evolving and adding new categories every day. Finally, it must be disclosed that the co-authors of this paper count themselves among the beach-going crowd. This fact assuredly only bolsters the credibility of the authors, and in no way presents a bias or conflict of interest.
Beach goer (sandiferous layerdownixm)
The Man-Child:
The Man Child is most easily recognized at peak sprint. This phenomenon occurs when, like a child, a grown man immediately abandons all his belongings on the beach and runs as fast as he can toward the respective body of water. His arms will be seemingly out of his bodily control. The sand, of course, will slow his cadence so much so that, inevitably, he will actually fall into the water, lapping up salt water with his open, smiling mouth and splashing those nearby with his flailing appendages. His whimsy is second to none, but what of his dignity?
The Lobster:
The Lobster, not unlike the animal sharing the same name, can be spotted by their red tint. It is common to find Lobsters asleep, either on their stomachs or flat on their backs. Do not approach them if observed in this state. Though they are typically a peaceful group, they have been known to snap and grown if abruptly awoken.
The Topless Goddess:
Whether a Goddess or God, the Topless beach goer is known best for its sunkissed beauty and physical fitness. They are confident creatures, found at beaches all around the world. And, as if to assure onlookers that they are not just a hot bod without substance, Topless beach goers signal their inner auras with complex, full body tattoos that range from the spiritual to the bizarre. When engaging with the Topless beach goers, do remember…eyes up here.
The Vendor:
The Vegan Vendor: Though general Vendor category of beach goer is a commonplace sighting, the vegan vendor is a rare sub category that can take the average beach goer by surprise. To be clear, the vendor herself may or may not be vegan. The identifier is not one specifying the vendor, but a specifier of those items she sells. Vegan burgers, vegan burritos, vegan empanadas - the Vegan Vendor’s inventory inspires a kind of unique disappointment from meat seeking beach goers eager to wet their whistle; but this has made the Vegan Vendor a particularly resilient and pleasant beach goer, leaving omnivores and herbivores alike with a lighter, sunnier disposition.
The Jeweler Vendor: Another sub category of the general Vendor beach goer, the Jeweler is not only crafty (in the most literal sense), they are also the best beach goer at taking rejection. When faced with the common “thanks, but no thanks” response to his presentation of a variety of hand woven bracelets and hemp based necklaces, one Jeweler was observed saying “Hey no problem, you know, maybe another time. This is the Caribbean, we’ve got nothing but time!”
The Sun Averse:
Finally, the most curious of the beach-goers is certainly the Sun Averse species. Thought to be extinct given their apparent inability to safely produce any pigment, these pale beach goers, as their name suggests, much prefer to visit the beach when there is little to no sun. Noting more frequent sightings post-sunset, many scientists have said that the Sun Averse beach goers can look nearly translucent under the moonlight! In the off chance the Sun Averse is seen at the beach on an especially sunny day, a keen eye will be able to spot one with their wide brimmed hat and a long sleeve shirt, vigorously reapplying 55+ SPF on their exposed nose and fingertips with a look of panic in their eyes.
